{Full Circle}

Sure, it's been a lot of years. He was born and died before he was a year old. And, Saturday would have been his birthday. Emotions run wild on a day like this. There's sadness mixed with happiness; and then, gratitude mixed with wonder at the unfailing love of a Savior who picked up the pieces and put them all back together. Yeah, there's that. It's not uncommon for me on these kinds of days to seek solitude and quiet. My introverted self demands it.  But this day was way too full.

Instead of solitude and quiet, I stood on a platform in a crowded room full of people I didn't know. I was there with a team of pretty awesome musicians - most of whom I also didn't know - leading worship. On his birthday. That might not seem like a big deal, but the significance wasn't lost on me, though very few people in the room knew my story. God, however, knows my story, and He whispered to my heart that day to remind me.  Sometimes, I need those reminders. You, too? In this very sweet moment, God was drawing a giant circle around that season of my life and reminding me that there was a purpose in it. This was it. He was using me to declare His goodness and unfailing love. See, the truth of who He is is and what He has done can be applied to any and every situation. Mine. Yours. His goodness breaks through darkness and brings with it a glimmer of hope, because He is hope. He. Is. Hope. Here's the thing: I would never understand the depths of His love the way that I do without having lived through those moments. He lifted me out of a pit so that I could do the very thing I was doing that day. I was telling His story! The story of a love so great that He gave everything. The story of a God so good that nothing compares to Him. Nothing. What better way to honor Tyler's memory than by standing and declaring the greatness of God? What better proof of the faithfulness and unfailing love of God than to stand and sing of His incomparable goodness? I just can't even. . .

May I encourage you today, sweet friends? God is good. His goodness will penetrate the darkness even in the most difficult moments. And eventually, those most difficult, dark moments in your life will become more about His goodness than about your pain. You will find yourself standing in a spot where you expect pain and instead, you find peace. Or, you expect sadness and instead, you find gratitude and joy. I promise. He loves you so.

{Remember His Faithfulness}

Finally, early spring was peeking through the dreary gray of a long, long winter. B. and I piled into the car and headed in a direction that I hadn't been in a long while. This place. It represented some of the most difficult moments of my life. You know, all of the moments I didn't care to relive. I didn't go often.

Each time I visited this place in the past, the pain and anxiety crept in and gripped my heart and mind the second my car approached the driveway. Images raced through my mind in rapid fire and the deep ache that had become so familiar pressed hard on me. Sometimes, I felt better after a visit because that's what happens after a good, ugly cry. Other times, though, bitterness tightened its fierce grip on my heart, and I would leave feeling more hopeless and helpless. But this time it would be different. I was different.

The car turned into the gravel drive and evidence of time passed was striking. Trees were much larger; and, the sprawling, empty field of grass that I remembered wasn't sprawling and empty. There were rows and rows of gravesites, almost as far as my eye could see. My eyes searched for the beautiful tree that grew just behind the plot chosen for my sweet babies, Tyler and Hailey. It took me a few minutes to get out. But, I did.

It's hard to put into words exactly what happened during that graveside visit. B. stayed in the car because he knew this moment was between a girl and God. See, in the weeks and months prior, the Lord had been healing my heart and my perspective. I had finally released the right to be angry and bitter and allowed Him to work a miracle in me. And, He did just that. So, there I was. My being there was a matter of obedience. The Lord was taking me back to this spot so I could see it with fresh eyes through the lens of a healed heart and mind. We had a sweet moment, the Lord and I. I knelt graveside and prayed, weeping. But these tears were different. I was grateful and in awe of God and His unfailing love and faithfulness. Before I knew what happened, my arms were stretched to the sky and I was singing.

For thou O, Lord are high above all the earth. Thou art exalted far above all Gods. I exalt Thee. I exalt Thee. I exalt Thee, O Lord.

In that moment of worship, there was a beautiful exchange: beauty for ashes, joy for mourning. In that moment, He reignited a passion and a calling for worship leading. In that moment, He reminded me of His lavish, unfailing love.

Fast-forward to January 2016. It's a season of many challenges. I'm talking about the kind of challenges that, in the moment, make you want to run and hide. Quit. Give-up. These are the kinds of challenges that sweep through every inch of your world like a tidal wave and knock you off your feet. It's all I could do to keep my head above water. But God has a beautiful way of reminding us that He's with us.

There I was standing in a room during a night of worship. The evening had already been like a breath of fresh air. Just as I was asking the Lord what He wanted me to do, a new song rang out in the room.

I exalt Thee. I exalt Thee. I exalt Thee, O Lord.

I hit my knees. Once again in awe of God's faithfulness. He was reminding me of where He brought me from. He was reminding me that He lifted me out of a deep pit, healed me and restored me. He was reminding me that He was the same God that held me in His hands when I knelt graveside all those years ago. He told me to get up and do the thing He's called me to do with bold faith. Why? Because He's proven Himself faithful over and over again. He is God. He is always God.

May I encourage you today? On those days that God seems far off, remember WHO He is. On those days that God seems quiet, remember how He's been faithful. I promise you this: God is always there and He's always faithful. Do the next thing simply because God is who He says He is. Then watch Him do what only He can do, proving again that He is faithful beyond measure.

He. Never. Leaves. You. He loves you so.

{Proof Prayer is Working}

Prayer is a privilege. A gift. Sometimes, though,  it seems like prayer is one-sided conversation with an imaginary friend. Or even worse, it seems like you're talking to yourself. We know better - we've been taught otherwise. But, do you ever wish there was one tiny indication that your prayers are working? You know, something that would bolster your faith and confidence. Yeah, me too. We know what Scripture says about prayer. But, there are times when it seems like you pray and nothing happens. Nothing. Crickets.  Might I suggest, though, that one of the functions of prayer is to remind us that He is God and we are not. And perhaps, one of the functions of prayer is to change us even before changing our circumstances or without changing our circumstances at all. Maybe that's our proof, our sign, that it's working. Yeah, what if it's that? 

Meet Hannah. Hannah was wife to Elkanah. (Let's call him E. from now on.) But, Hannah wasn't the only wife in E.'s house. Meet Peninnah, the other woman. (Let's call her P. from now on.)  There were two important distinctions made between these women. First, P. had children and Hannah did not. Hannah was barren. Second, E. loved Hannah; she was his favorite. Maybe the complexity of the situation isn't obvious. First, having children back in the day was a big deal. It was such a big deal that women who were unable to have children were considered failures. So, there's that. Then, add to the mix that the other woman in the house made it her business to provoke and irritate Hannah and the situation seems unbearable.  See, P. treated Hannah as a rival. And poor E., he didn't get it. He didn't understand Hannah's plight and was convinced that his love for her should be enough to soothe Hannah's sad heart.

So, here's what we know about Hannah so far. Hannah was barren, misunderstood, provoked, ridiculed, bitterly angry, wept openly, and wouldn't eat or sleep. Her heart was grieved and her soul was in deep anguish. She was physically ill. Have you ever been in such anguish that it physically hurt? This is the Hannah we find in verse nine. Scripture says she was at the temple of the Lord and guess what she does? She prayed. No, wait. Hannah poured out her soul to the Lord. Poured out her soul. Then, she went on her way and ate and her face was no longer downcast. And, there it is. She poured her heart out honestly to the Lord and was changed. Her circumstance didn't change immediately, but she did. That's what it looks like when we leave our stuff at the feet of Jesus. When Hannah got up, she wasn't carrying the weight of her anguish and grief, and you can see the difference on her face and in her behavior. She wasn't carrying it, because the Lord carried it for her. Early the next morning, Scripture says the family worshiped. Hannah worshiped though everything around her remained unchanged.

The Lord did give Hannah a son, the one she asked for when she poured out her soul. She named him Samuel. What's more remarkable than that is that when Samuel was still young, she took him back to the temple at Shiloh (the same temple where she poured her soul out) to live and serve. Samuel was Israel's greatest judge.

Here's what Hannah teaches us:

1. Prayer and intimacy with God will change you. Pray honestly and specifically. The Lord can handle our deep anguish and grieved hearts. He expects us to be honest with Him. In my life, the most healing comes only when I'm willing to be honest with Him. When we refuse to see our real selves and cooperate with His process, when we refuse to be honest with Him, we are rejecting the work He wants to do to change us. 

2. Even in the midst of difficult circumstances, choose to worship. When presented with the choice, don't choose to wallow in your anguish and trouble. There's a difference between going-through-the-motions worship and honest-straight-from-the-heart worship. Perfunctory prayer often cultivates going-through-the-motions worship. Hannah could worship honestly before the Lord because she prayed honestly to the Lord. And, she chose to worship though her circumstances remained unchanged.

3. Open-handed living is the best way. Hannah recognized the child she was given was given to her by God. Samuel was His before he was her's. Just like everything we've been given. Hannah gives us a beautiful example of open-handed living. What's mine is not mine. What's mine is His. That's why she took him to the temple. God did great things through the life of Samuel.

4. God's timing is impeccable and there is a bigger picture that reaches beyond what you want. Scripture says the Lord closed Hannah's womb. Until just the right time. God had very specific purposes for Samuel, just like with all of us. He places us in a specific space in time -- no sooner, no later -- than exactly when He wants us. There was something bigger going on here, something that would impact an entire nation.  Maybe if God had answered Hannah's prayer a few years earlier, she would have been less likely to bring the child back to the temple. You never know. But, you can be sure God knew. The same holds true for us.

May I encourage you and challenge you today? Are you're sitting in an impossible situation waiting for God to "birth" something of substance? Pray. Pray about it more than you talk about it. And, don't wallow. Let your prayers be honest and let them do the work of changing you while God does the work of changing the circumstances. God will equip you to sit in the same impossible situation and be filled with joy. He will, if you let Him. Be like Hannah. Be brave. Be honest. Be steadfast.

After Hannah left her son Samuel, she prayed again. "My heart rejoices in the Lord. . ." When we land there, we can be sure our prayers are doing exactly what they are designed to do.

---

{Don't Hide. Obey.}

With every step toward the door of the restaurant, my heart pounded and the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach nearly overcame me. Just keep walking. And smile. They are watching you, after all. I wish they weren’t watching me! Just. Keep. Walking. If I hesitate, they will bail. Who am I kidding? Let's bail! That's a great idea!

Our family was there for a dinner meeting with my recently-divorced-a-second-time ex-husband and his new girlfriend. Did I mention that she had been my best friend? That’s right. My recently-divorced-a-second-time ex-husband was dating my used-to-be-best friend. The two of them had just welcomed a new baby, which, by the way, we only heard news of about a month before the arrival. We put the meeting off as long as we could. But now, we had to make introductions.

When I say that the kids were stressed and opposed to the introduction, I’m putting it mildly. The last time their Dad introduced a woman into their lives it ended badly. His last wife was, well, I can’t quite find a word that fits. She didn’t care for the kids, and they suffered emotionally at her hand. Even worse, the relationship between the kids and their dad was strained and damaged. He had barely started making an effort to reach out to them, and then, this. They just were not ready. What I really wanted to do was pitch a fit and tell him that I was disappointed and that he was on his own. There was no way I was going to help him out with this one! No way. Nope. Forget it.

But there was a not-so-gentle nudge to invite them for dinner. You know what that means, right? Now, because of that not-so-gentle nudge, inviting them to dinner was a matter of obedience. And that’s how we ended up in this mess! 

Am I alone here?  Have you ever felt like the right thing to do seemed the most unfair, impossible thing to do? Have you ever been standing in a moment with a decision to make and thought “There is absolutely no way I can do this!"? Yeah, that was me. Exactly. But, here's the thing: when you know the right thing to do and don't do it - it's sin.

Still, this was not exactly something I was looking forward to. But, wait.

God sent Jesus. And the last words that rolled off the tongue of the Savior as He died on the cross were “It is finished.” His work on the cross was done. He won. And so did we. It was the most lavish display of love the world has ever seen. In that moment, we were granted access to everything we would ever need to do those impossible, unfair, and uncomfortable things. Sometimes it seems the implication of that truth is lost on us. Do we really know what it means to have access to the same power that raised Jesus from the dead every moment, every day. Death-to-life power. In us. I mean, come on now. That's huge!  You know, He is constantly working in us to make us more like Himself. That means He doesn't leave us hanging on the edge of any situation left to figure it out on our own. Even the most impossible, unfair, and most uncomfortable situation.

We finally made it into the restaurant. We stood in the corner - still trying to decide if this impossible thing was possible. What seemed like an eternity passed before we walked toward the table. Both my daughter and son were trying to make themselves invisible behind me. But, we walked on, stumbling over each other. 

And there they were. My ex-husband. My used-to-be best friend. The new baby. And, three other children from his second marriage. Lord, help me do this. This is beyond the worse case scenario. She was my best friend. She was my best friend, and it didn't end well! I can’t do this! Do you think they noticed us? Maybe there’s still time to duck behind a table! Yeah, in that moment I'm sure we were all thinking the same thing. If only we could make ourselves invisible!

But, no. They saw us. There may have been a faint whisper of a cuss word in my mind before I managed to pull myself together.  Lord, please. Help. Me.  Before I knew what happened she had both her arms wrapped around me and tears forming in her eyes. And I was hugging her back! It was a real hug, too. It wasn't me trying to squeeze the life out of her. Dinner was as good as it could have been given the circumstance. Conversation was easy-ish. And, the kids were ok-ish. We didn't knock it out of the park, but we did the right thing. This time it just so happened that the right thing was really hard. It would have been so much easier to hide. But, I'm glad we didn't because God reminded me of something through the process.

See, God had already been in that moment. Long before I dragged my kids into the Chick-fil-a, He was there. I only had to choose to see Him. I only had to choose to access the power of the Holy Spirit that was available to me by saying yes to Him.  When you push through the fear and anxiety and obey anyway, God will enable you to do what He's asking. God reminded me that when we are standing on the edge of something impossibly difficult searching, doubting, trying to find a way to run, that not only is He with us, but  He’s  already been there ahead of us, fighting for us. And He won. It. Is. Finished. Our job is to fix our eyes on Him and to do the thing He’s asked us to do, even if it means doing it with teary eyes and trembling hands. Just obey. And, when you do the thing He's asking,  do it trusting that He's got it all under control. Of course He does.  See, God loves us so fervently that He sent Jesus to die for us so that we would never have to do these hard things alone. Be brave. He knows exactly where you are every moment. And, He’s there too. 

And, in case you're wondering, things still aren't perfect or easy in this particular situation in our lives. But, there is a peace that is beyond comprehension. For that, I am thankful.