{Confessions of a Strong-Willed Christian}

Sometimes, it’s hard, you know? This thing called following Jesus. You follow Him down a path you would never wander down on your own. But there you are, putting one foot in front of the other, following Him where ever because you adore Him. You believe Him. You know Him.

Notice I didn’t say that you believe in Him or know about Him. There’s a difference. I’ve been there. I believed in God more than I believed Him. I knew about God more than I knew Him. Was I a Christian? Yes. I suppose I was still at stage one. You know, one can spend a lot of years going through the motions without seeing real spiritual growth. The difference for me was that my heart was not fully engaged - it was divided. My comfort, sense of stability, and need for control were my idols. Thankfully, the Lord was patient and kind. He always is, you know. In my weakness and faithlessness, He pursued and corrected because He loves me. Here are some things He taught me.

1. I had the gift of compartmentalization. Yeah, that’s not a spiritual gift. God’s plan for us covers everything, and He would very much like an open invitation to invade every area of our lives. He wants to be the ONE THING that matters the most all of the time. But, I only invited Him into certain situations, into the big stuff. Here’s the thing: our relationship with God shouldn't be limited to Sunday morning church and Wednesday night Bible study. He wants an invitation into the tiniest of details, into our daily routines. I was trying to build my life around something other than Him and squeeze Him into the leftover space. It doesn't work. 

2. Scripture didn't always apply to me. I knew a lot of scripture, but I couldn’t seem to implement the truths in my situation. Yeah, I had the Bible in 4 or 5 different translations, loads of commentary, and could quote Scripture like a pro. But, I wasn’t allowing Scripture to go to work in my heart and mind. You read it differently when you believe it’s living and active. You read it differently when you understand it’s the breath of God on a page. I say it all the time, but it bears repeating. When you read Scripture and then live like you believe what it says, it changes everything. You have to engage your heart and mind and ask the Holy Spirit to bring understanding. Scripture had to become something that informed the way I lived. 

3. Staying busy doing ministry meant I was ok. So, I worked and worked. Eventually, I was working for Him more than I was spending time with Him. I think sometimes we get ahead of ourselves here. We forget a vital truth: God calls us to be His - to belong completely to Him heart and soul - before He calls us to do something for Him. Sometimes, we do a lot of things for Him without fully surrendering to Him. Or, we might busy ourselves doing so much for Him, that our relationship with Him gets pushed aside. It doesn’t work well. Lean in here because what I'm about to say is big. He is most concerned with the condition of our heart, with who we are on the inside, and how we relate to Him. Why? Because everything we do flows from who we are and what we believe. And ultimately, our assignment is to carry the name of Jesus to the world. To be light. To break through the brokenness and chaos with the message of hope. Yeah, that’s what He wants from us. We will never do that effectively apart from a vibrant relationship with Him. 

My ability to trust God was tied to everything but God himself. My circumstances, my ability to control the situation, my capability to work my way through whatever was in front of me. See, I was guilty of making plans and asking God to endorse those plans, rather than asking, “What do you want here, God?” I’ve learned there is power in praying not my will, but Your’s. See, I think sometimes, we try to separate God’s purpose from God’s power. What I mean to say is we try to carry out the purpose without accessing the power available to us through the Spirit. We try to impose our will, our timing. We power through. And that’s not at all what He’s asking of us. So, I started asking for His help in the form of this prayer, lifted from the pages of Scripture (Psalm 86).

Teach me Your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth. Grant me an undivided heart so I can worship You. I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all that I am. I will glorify Your name forever. For great is Your love toward me; You have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

Here’s the thing: He was waiting for me to take my hands off. He wanted me to say, “Help me. I can’t do any of this without You.” And, then whispered, “You don’t have to.” Oh, but that's scary for a strong-willed, control-freak, kind of girl. Scary, yes. But, do it afraid. 

I promise He's right there. He's more than able and more than willing. And, He's good. 

{Five Minute Friday | Miss}

It's Five Minute Friday. That means unplanned, unedited, straight-from-the-heart-to-the-paper writing. Yep, you just write whatever comes out based on a word you're given. If you have five minutes, you should give it a try!  Find out how here.

This week the prompt is {MISS}. I am a day late to the party, but I made it. Woo!

Ready? GO.

Is there anyone else out there who loves a good plan? Yeah, me too. Sometimes, though, things happen that I couldn't have planned. Hiccups. Bumps in the road. Difficult seasons. Transitions. In those times, I find myself often looking up asking, "Is this part of the plan?" or "Lord, can we get past this point as quickly as possible?" There's something about the hard spots that make me want to rush through. It's like a head-down-running-as-fast-as-you-can kind of feeling.

Thankfully, the Lord is patient, and He taught me that I was asking the wrong questions in those moments. I learned that a better question was "Lord, What do you want me to see that I'm not seeing? What am I missing?" Yeah, that's the better question.

It's not that I stop praying for a change of scene or a swift resolution to the challenge at hand. I believe our conversations with God should be honest. But, Here's the thing: if we trust He's always working on our behalf, then we have to believe there's always something in every season that will be for our benefit. And because I know that He is good, and He's trustworthy, I don't want to miss the thing He has for me. I don't want to miss what He's doing or saying because I have my head down running toward the next thing as fast as I can. Besides, He always delivers on His promise to use everything for my good and His glory. You know what the best piece is? Lean in a bit so you don't miss this. You can always count on Him to reveal more of Himself, something more about His character, or about His love. And isn't knowing Him worth any momentary, light affliction? Yes, I'd say that it is. That's certainly not something I'm willing to miss. I don't ever want to miss Him.

Stop.

{Full Circle}

Sure, it's been a lot of years. He was born and died before he was a year old. And, Saturday would have been his birthday. Emotions run wild on a day like this. There's sadness mixed with happiness; and then, gratitude mixed with wonder at the unfailing love of a Savior who picked up the pieces and put them all back together. Yeah, there's that. It's not uncommon for me on these kinds of days to seek solitude and quiet. My introverted self demands it.  But this day was way too full.

Instead of solitude and quiet, I stood on a platform in a crowded room full of people I didn't know. I was there with a team of pretty awesome musicians - most of whom I also didn't know - leading worship. On his birthday. That might not seem like a big deal, but the significance wasn't lost on me, though very few people in the room knew my story. God, however, knows my story, and He whispered to my heart that day to remind me.  Sometimes, I need those reminders. You, too? In this very sweet moment, God was drawing a giant circle around that season of my life and reminding me that there was a purpose in it. This was it. He was using me to declare His goodness and unfailing love. See, the truth of who He is is and what He has done can be applied to any and every situation. Mine. Yours. His goodness breaks through darkness and brings with it a glimmer of hope, because He is hope. He. Is. Hope. Here's the thing: I would never understand the depths of His love the way that I do without having lived through those moments. He lifted me out of a pit so that I could do the very thing I was doing that day. I was telling His story! The story of a love so great that He gave everything. The story of a God so good that nothing compares to Him. Nothing. What better way to honor Tyler's memory than by standing and declaring the greatness of God? What better proof of the faithfulness and unfailing love of God than to stand and sing of His incomparable goodness? I just can't even. . .

May I encourage you today, sweet friends? God is good. His goodness will penetrate the darkness even in the most difficult moments. And eventually, those most difficult, dark moments in your life will become more about His goodness than about your pain. You will find yourself standing in a spot where you expect pain and instead, you find peace. Or, you expect sadness and instead, you find gratitude and joy. I promise. He loves you so.