When It’s Time to Go

What if the bravest thing you could do is walk away? I made the very difficult decision to leave my executive leadership job in July without a Plan B. I didn't leave to start my own thing or work on a big project or take a new job. At the time, I had no plans and no idea what was next. What I did know -- without a doubt -- is that it was time. When I tell you it was difficult, I'm not being dramatic. I was heartbroken.

In the immediate aftermath, I was met with all kinds of things—some good and encouraging, and others not at all. I wrestled with all kinds of emotion and the urge to defend myself, or at the very least tell someone the truth.

God patiently, and sometimes not-so-gently, reminded me that's not my job. He also reminded me very clearly (again!) that often times faith takes an obedient, immediate next step without knowing what comes after. Those details? Again, not my job. Abraham models this kind of faith when he leaves everything he's ever known to go "even though he didn't know where he was going" (Hebrews 11:8). He had a clear directive and direction from God, but he didn't have the 10-step plan.

Friends, this is not easy. Because, we want the 10-step plan.

Sometimes it can be confusing. See, God clearly led me to that place and gave me that job. But God also requires that we hold things with open hands. Everything has a season. And when things start changing right before your eyes in undeniable ways, in ways that put you in a position to compromise your values or compromise who/what God created and called you to be, it IS your job to pay prayerful attention and seek wise counsel. It's especially true, when you've done everything you know to do in an effort to stay.

Leaving isn't always the answer. Leaving is hard. And painful, even when it's good. But, friends, staying in a place you know it's time to leave, where you clearly don't belong, or where you're not welcome isn't the answer either. It's not heroic or courageous. And it's not an act of faith. You might even call it disobedient. What's the thing James says about "knowing what to do and not doing it" (James 4:17)? Side note: there is a difference between leaving and running away. I've done both. Running is reactionary and fear-based. You don't have to run. But you can choose to leave with thoughtful intention.

For those of you asking yourself "Is it time to go?" Please know, you can trust yourself. Or better yet, you can trust the Holy Spirit in you. You don't need external affirmation to validate your experience. There is only ONE who deserves carte blanche privilege in that area of your life anyway; and He sees and knows things that no one else does. God is your advocate. Your defender. Your strength and ever-present Help. Be brave, friends. Obedience makes space for beautiful, breathtaking God-moments. God is perfectly faithful, and He knows exactly what He's doing and exactly what you need.

The heartbreak I experienced in July? Well, God has transformed that heartbreak into holy anticipation. I'm starting to dream with Him again. And it's exciting in the most beautiful way. The same can be true for you. Here's the thing: when we live with open hands, and we're willing to release predictability and the comfort of certainty, God always does more than we can ask or imagine. It's who He is.

Whimsy. For the Win.

Hey, it's me. I love Dr. Pepper and donuts. I have a collection of scented markers and flair pens. And I love to drink sparkling water out of a Smurf glass. Sometimes, I watch cartoons, and I love to play games. I have three suitable-for-adults tulle skirts that I refer to as tutus. Oh! And I love to wear a good, kitschy graphic tee (my current fave features Snoopy). Never mind the Mario Kart Happy Meal toys I have piling up in my office.

I tend to be nostalgic, for sure. I love things that instantly conjure up all the warm, cozy feels. You know, things that remind me of where I came from and who I am. It's why you can often find me wandering through the Peddler's Mall with a warm cup of coffee in my hand, looking at all the things. One of my favorite life rules: "Everybody needs a little whimsy in their life." I believe it. To. my. core.

Maybe you're thinking it's all too absurd. I'm an adult, after all. I get it, I do. I have a serious side, too. Once upon a time, I might have been too serious, uptight even. I can also be very practical. I'm quiet, introverted, and introspective, with very big feelings. E X T R A. I know. Yet, somewhere along the way, I learned that a little whimsy in my life helps more than it hurts. I figured out that all these things at the same time.

That's right, I said W H I M S Y! We don't use that word much anymore. But I love it! It means "playful, lightly fanciful, and/or quaint in an appealing way."

Here's the thing: it's okay to play—even as grown-ups. Not only is it okay, but it's necessary! The benefits are numerous and include improved mental health, emotional stability, lower stress, emotional healing, a positive mindset, boosted creativity, improved relationships, better brain function, and better physical health.

Appropriate expressions of playfulness at appropriate times are healthy. I used to get all tangled up here believing playfulness = immaturity. A well-meaning leader once advised me that playfulness undermines influence, authority, and credibility. I bought into that idea for a long time until I realized it reinforced a fear of man and overemphasized outward appearance. It is possible to take ourselves too seriously because, pride. I'm not advocating for the right to be a goofball! I'm saying this: making room for whimsy in our lives isn't absurd -- it's brave. It's not about abandoning wisdom and turning your nose up at the notion of maturity and responsibility. It's about confidence enough to hold both things in a healthy tension. It means you can intentionally seek out and embrace tiny pockets of joy. You can live without fear of judgment. You can dare to dream and imagine. You can grab hold of genuine curiosity. Life can be challenging, but it can also be wildly beautiful and full of wonder. How I choose to see makes a considerable difference. I want to see the world with wide-eyed wonder.

What's more, I don't have to carry on as if the weight of the world rests on my shoulders. God has the whole wide world in His strong and capable hands. It's not my job to control anything.

So, if you need me, I'll be over here sipping Dr. Pepper out of my fave Smurf glass, choosing wonder over worry, fully believing that sometimes the bravest thing we can do is give ourselves permission to play. Won't you join me?

Eyes Up. Ears Open.

Sunflowers are so cool. While a sunflower is actively growing, it literally reaches for the sun as it tracks the light across the sky from sunrise to sundown. Heliotropism is the fancy Scientific word to describe the behavior. I think we could learn a thing or two from these beautiful flowers. I mean, do you ever feel like you’re not “tracking” in one way or another? Yeah, me too. Just this week actually.

I woke up yesterday with a song in my mind. One phrase on repeat, again and again and again. Confession: I am not excited when this happens! It actually drives me a little bananas.

“Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me. Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me…”

I headed out for my morning walk planning to listen to another song and reset my brain. I fumbled with my phone in my gloved up hands, all the while this one phrase from this one song was rolling around in my mind. But, I was determined and a tiny bit frustrated. Until something stopped me dead in my tracks. “Are you listening? Pay attention. Walk with Me.”

It wasn’t an audible voice, but I’ve learned to recognize this kind of interruption — a gentle (or sometimes not-so-gentle) nudge in my spirit. So, I walked and talked to God — about all kinds of things. And I listened.

I prayed about finances and a job opportunity. “…Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

I prayed about family matters. “…Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

I prayed about ministry. “…Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

I prayed about friendships and deep community. “…Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

I prayed about a broken down car — again. “Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

I prayed through some discouragement. “…Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

I prayed about the grief and heartache lingering after walking away from one season while feeling completely uncertain about what’s next.

“…Your goodness is running after, it’s running after me.”

“Are you listening? Pay attention.”

Here’s the thing: God is really, really good at being God.  And He always does what’s good and best. During my walk, after every single request, that one phrase from the one song rang out in my head as a clear reminder that He’s got every detail well in-hand. And before the end of that day, God made that truth evident to me in multiple ways. I’m grateful He stopped me in my tracks that morning, otherwise, I might have missed it. For the last few days, I hadn’t been paying attention. I wasn’t tracking with Him. And, He knew it. But, in His kindness, He reminded me that He hems me in, before and behind and His goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life. Good days, bad days, and every day in-between. Because, Jesus.

And if it’s true for me, it’s true for you, too. Don’t forget to remember. Eyes up. Ears open. Pay. Attention.

{Be Excellent. What’s that mean, anyway?}

Just thinking . . . Disclaimer: One short blog post can’t possibly say all there is to say about this topic. But this is a start.

I’ve been thinking a lot about excellence. This is an easy one to misrepresent and misunderstand. I’ve been all over the map over the years on this topic. What is Biblical excellence and why does it matter? Could it have more to do with a posture of your heart than it does with the end result? Could it be about how you show up and engage more than it is about meeting a certain standard?

God deserves excellence. But, you can be super excellent and have a heart that’s far from God. In that case, your excellence doesn’t matter one bit to Him because it’s not motivated by your love for Him. When excellence becomes more about you than Him, you’re missing something.

God can, and often will, do more than we care to admit through a heart that is fully surrendered to Him and committed to keeping the main thing the main thing. He doesn’t need our lights and super-slick, polished production. He doesn’t need perfect rock-star vocals to do something in the room. Those things are not inherently bad; I actually appreciate and enjoy them. But, if we’re not careful we condition our selves and the congregations we lead to *need* those things more than we desire Him and His presence. If we believe, even the tiniest bit, that we can’t encounter God without them then we’ve misunderstood the heart of excellence and the heart of worship.

Encounter with God is the ONLY thing that brings transformation to people in the room. And that cannot be produced. In reality it actually has nothing to do with us. Thankfully, God shows up in spite of us! When we over emphasize excellence in an unhealthy way—a way that’s out of alignment with Scripture—we can start believing that it does have something to do with us. We get hyper focused on what WE are doing in the room and fail to concern ourselves with what God wants to do. And friends, that is a dangerous place to sit.

Production is a cheap, poor substitute for Presence. And excellence is not the same as anointing. Let that sink in.

{All these years later ...}

Someone recently said, “You would think all these years later, it wouldn’t be so bad.” That’s true, until it’s not. Like today. This is the day Hailey died.

I will not likely forget that morning.  The moment is seared into my memory. Several of us were piled in a small room sleeping on the floor.  The hospital staff had graciously offered the space, and it was an improvement on the uncomfortable, unforgiving chairs and sofa in the waiting room. It was a tight squeeze, but I appreciated having people I loved dearly within arm’s reach. The door cracked open, and the light from the hallway cut through the room. It was so bright. It seemed intrusive. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, thinking that whoever had just opened the door might go away if I just pretend to be asleep. They didn’t go away.

The next thing I knew, I was standing in the cold hallway being told to scrub up. Things hadn’t gone well for Hailey during the night, and now I needed to go see her.

She was two days post-heart surgery. I couldn’t hold her. In fact, it seemed impossible to get to her at all through the jungle of wires and monitors. But I found her tiny hand. Her little body had been so traumatized by the surgery. She was swollen, and her skin was a strange shade of pasty white. I held her hand, stroked the bottoms of her tiny feet, and kissed the top of her head a hundred times, tears streaming down my face. I was so tired, and this was the moment it seemed to sink all the way in that she actually might not come home with me. She didn’t open her eyes that morning, but I stood with her for as long as I could before the monitors screamed and the nurses hurried me out of the room. She only lived a few more hours. And when the doctor delivered the news, I was utterly devastated.

All these years later…

I know it’s ok not to be ok. I also know I belong to a God who makes it His business to heal the broken-hearted and bind up wounds, even those that pierce us to the core. You know, the ones we think we won’t survive. Yeah, He sure does. He does a masterful job mending the things that are broken. God is so good at being God.

I know that you don’t get over these things. They mark you forever.  I also know that you can learn how to carry grief forward in a way that honors where you’ve been without keeping you from where God intends for you to go. You don’t have to get stuck. But, you also have to want to get well. I wallowed for a while, allowing resentment and bitterness to set in. But, I realize now that I’ve come to know and understand the redeeming power of God’s love in a way I might not have otherwise known BECAUSE this is part of my story. I’ve seen His goodness and faithfulness over and over again. I know He means it when He says He’s always with us, even in the valley of the shadow of death.

I know refusing to acknowledge pain and grief only leads to more pain and grief. If we have the courage to be honest with ourselves, our people, and God, then we can move through the pain and come out on the other side better for having suffered it. God can’t fully address things we refuse to acknowledge. And He cannot redeem the things we refuse to put in His hands. When standing in the middle of impossible situations, look up. Lock eyes with Jesus and let Him at your heart.

I know God weaves the strands of our lives together to make something good and beautiful. He uses all things — every moment, every tragedy, every tear, every failure, every success. God's lavish, extravagant love and power redeem and restore broken things; all things work together for good and His purpose because He loves us. That’s His promise. When you belong to Him, nothing is wasted and beyond His reach.

I know that one day He will wipe every tear from our eyes, and there will be no more pain, no more sickness, and no more death. And I know in the meantime, He holds us in the palm of His very strong hand. He is full of grace and patient, and kind beyond measure.

Be encouraged today, friends. He loves you so. If you let Him at your heart and invite Him into the broken places, into your disappointment, He will show just how much He loves you. And, it will absolutely blow your mind. There is no pain or brokenness worth holding on to compared to the treasure that He is. I had to open my hands and let go of all my stuff to grab hold of Him. There is nothing that matters more than knowing Him and loving Him. Deeply. Wholeheartedly. Unapologetically.

Because Jesus changes everything. He’s done that for me and can do it for you, too.